Most of us are taught early on that saying yes is virtuous.

We’re praised for being agreeable, helpful, flexible, dependable. Somewhere along the way, yes became a shortcut to belonging…. To acceptance…. To love.

By the time we reach adulthood, that pattern runs so deep we hardly notice it. We say yes to avoid disappointing others. We say yes to appear capable, to maintain momentum, or to hold onto opportunities that might slip away.

Our yeses become reflexive — not intentional.

A habitual yes is born from conditioning. It carries the weight of shoulds, expectations, and silent fears. You can almost hear it in the voice of your inner critic:

“I should help.”
“I should say yes — they’re counting on me.”
“I should be able to handle this.”

That kind of yes might look productive, but it erodes self-trust over time. Each one pulls a little more energy away from what actually matters.

A soul yes, on the other hand, feels different. It’s not louder, but it’s clearer. It comes with a calm sense of alignment, even when it stretches you. It doesn’t feel forced; it feels alive.

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Susan David calls intuition the “wisdom of accumulated experience stored in the body.” When we pause long enough to notice what our bodies are saying, we give that wisdom a chance to surface.

I worked with a client who said yes to nearly everything; events, partnerships, projects, committees. She was admired for her reliability, yet she felt constantly depleted. 

When she started experimenting with pausing before agreeing, she noticed something surprising: her body always told the truth first. Tightness in her chest or tension in her jaw signaled obligation. A sense of lift or calm indicated alignment.

Within a few months, she had cut her yes responses in half but doubled her results. “It feels like I’m finally walking with my energy instead of against it,” she told me.

Neuroscience backs this up. Research on embodied decision-making from the University of Iowa found that the body signals an intuitive “knowing” seconds before the brain can justify it. 

Fun Fact… Our nervous system detects congruence faster than logic can process it.

So when you’re unsure, check your energy first. A habitual yes drains. A soul yes expands.

This shift isn’t about becoming rigid or selfish. It’s about reclaiming your attention and honoring your inner authority. When you learn to distinguish the two, your life fills with what’s meant for you instead of what’s merely available.

As author Anne Lamott once said, “No is a complete sentence.” 

But I’d add:

 “So is yes…when it comes from your soul.”

Reflection

When I say yes, does it expand my energy or drain it?

Over the next week, practice a one-breath pause before each yes.

Notice how your body responds. You’ll begin to sense the difference between the yes that maintains approval and the yes that honors your truth.